Holden on and letting go

So, t minus eight days before I go back to work. As I write those words ("back to work"), I lay in a hotel room bed with a sound machine whirring to my right, a sleeping husby to my left, my well-traveled white puffy down comforter draped over my feet, and a swaddled content little boy nuzzled into my chest. And I cry. I'm afraid.

I'm scared to leave this baby to go back to work. Am I a bad mom if I choose to continue to teach? My mom stayed home with me. What's wrong with my motherly instincts if I don't stay home? Am I letting my son down?

Am I letting myself down if I stay home? It's a very personal decision that takes reflection.

I've learned, every summer break, Christmas break, spring break... and now maternity leave, that I don't thrive in non-structured, free of routine environments for extended periods of time. A brief vacation is great for me-- According to my reflective approximations, my maximum down-time should be around eleven days. I need these days to get into a slower pace, to quiet my racing tasky thoughts. I enjoy the heck out of my break, happily enveloped in no expectation and sleep and snacking and reading. But more time than that and I feel anxious, I become listless, I don't want to create, my self confidence falls. In essence, I feed off of interaction with people and in environments of learning.

For perspective, I've been on a break from work for over eighty days. Granted, there has been a lot of hard work, no sleep, hardly any reading (you think, oh I'll catch up on my reading while I nurse or when he's asleep... Ha!). And, I'm doing well! The joys of being a new mom have been the salve to my unstructured time.

But, I'm a little lost all the same. Deep down, I know I'm going to be the best version of my self while working in a job outside the home. The guilt is palpable. But, I've been prepared for this moment by the best teacher in letting go of guilt and choosing the harder but better choices for my life.

I choose to be me. I need the interaction with fellow educators, I need the hard work of using love and boundaries and encouragement in the classroom to grow confidence in young men and women, I need to feed the seeds I've sown into my career with reading and conversations and workshops. These needs do not diminish the great mom I am and will continue to be.

One day, Graham and I will have conversations about walking through hard decisions-- I'm sure I will use this exact post to show him that there's still fruit from choices that leave you weepy and afraid. It's about holding on to the things that won't sink-- faith, hope, love. I need all three for this transition.

And so, I kiss the forehead of this little boy and I let go of his little body and place him in his bassinet. I know that letting go of guilt and shame is beautiful. And I think, as a mother, there's a lot more of it to come. I like to think about what to hold on to when I say Graham's middle name, Holden. Let go of "perfect," and hold God's hand. I'm not letting go of being a good mother to Graham by working. I'm holding on to my best self.

What things do you choose to let go of in order to be your best self?

May you have eyes to see the beauty. --Meg Tess