40. Plant a Hydrangea Bush and Beauty War

Number 40 on my random summer Bound for Beauty List (http://revealthebeauty.blogspot.com/2011/06/bound-for-beauty-summer-list.html)  was to plant a hydrangea bush.  We bought a beautiful Proven Winners green hydrangea bush, and yesterday we found a spot for it.  Right next to our front stoop.  Right now it looks like this (no blooms):

 But, next summer, it should start producing blooms like this:

flickr, wht_wolf9653

I'm ready for them now.  But waiting will make them even more beautiful.  So, at this point, I have at least a handful of people regularly checking in to this blog.  And, with all the lists of things you have set to do in your life, you may be asking why this list is really that special.  Yes, yes. 

I have really struggled to become who I am today, a person who, ultimately, feels beautiful inside. 

But, the truth is, I feel more confident in saying it in this specific moment (I am beautiful!) because I've showered, I have on my comfortable work-out shorts that don't pull and tug at the areas I've gained a little cushioning, and I got a new hair cut yesterday that I like. 

I just took the following steps to get ready for an ordinary day.  I'm not doing anything glamorous today.  But, these are the steps I took to feel beautiful today:
1.  Wake up, feel ugly when my husband walks in and gives me a kiss and secretly wish I looked cuter in the morning for him like some girls do.
2.  Get up, with just a t-shirt on and confront two different mirrors and evaluate my tan lines I got sitting outside two days ago, and look at my face and evaluate the new acne along my jaw line
3.  Shower: Color Conserve conditioner, whitening toothpaste, scented bodywash, Venus razor, Dove soap, St. Ives Apricot Scrub face wash, St. Ives lotion.
4.  Start the primping process (at this point, I've evaluated the blackheads on my nose, felt sad about my weight, pinched the skin on my back that never used to be there, looked at my tan line again) by putting on Secret deodorant, estee lauder idealist face serum, eye cream, aveda tinted moisturizer, Estee Lauder Double Wear foundation, green eye liner, Physician's Formula bronzer, Covergirl blush on the apples of my cheeks, Loreal eye shadow, Maybelline mascara).
5.  Then the hair: comb it through, Aveda Scalp Remedy, Aveda Phomollient, Biolage gel, Aveda Smooth Effects on the ends.  Blow dry hair with round brush, Sheer Blonde hair spray.
6.  Look in the mirror, once my make-up/hair is done and THEN, think, "Well, actually I sort of have a 1950's pin-up model body... a little more curvy, even though my chest is so small, but I could have be seen as sexy in another era..."
7.  Put on my undergarments, think, "I really need a new push-up bra, maybe I'll go today..." and put on the gray t-shirt with my work-out shorts that my husband once called me "sexy" in, so I feel good putting it on.

And then, I sat down to write this post.  My point is: it's not really okay that I didn't feel beautiful until after I went through my DAILY (read: I do this every. single. day.) routine.  I've been poked and prodded my whole life because I take so long to get ready.  What's the truth?  Yes, I like quiet time to myself in the morning.  But, couldn't that be spent blogging?  Walking?  Praying?  Writing?  Reading?  Why has this "beauty" routine taken over so much time/energy/power in my life?

Would I feel beautiful without this routine, that creates a mask (a "natural" looking one, but still...)?  I know that I'm beautiful.  I have a beautiful heart.  I'm an encourager.  I'm an artist.  I'm a worshiper.  I'm a scribe.  I'm a good wife.  I'm a good friend.  I'm a good teacher.  But I do not feel beautiful unless I have gone through this routine.

To counter this issue, this problem, I plant things that are truly beautiful without striving.  I write poems that are genuine and vulnerable, that I hope with help someone else into hope.  I host people and make a home for people to feel comfortable within, to escape worries.  I make pretty little things for the people I love.  I style thoughtful events.  I search antique shops for forgotten treasures.  I sing a song with a voice that is solely a gift.  So, today (as part of my list), to fight my war of false beauty, which we are all in, I will look at my hydrangea bush.  I will gaze upon it and breathe in ONE little piece of real beauty, and realize I'm probably more like that plant when I'm without concealer, in my pjs, looking out the window, aware of no one looking at me, with no mirrors.  I mean, a hydrangea never looks in the mirror... I bet more blooms come that way.