So, t minus eight days before I go back to work. As I write those words ("back to work"), I lay in a hotel room bed with a sound machine whirring to my right, a sleeping husby to my left, my well-traveled white puffy down comforter draped over my feet, and a swaddled content little boy nuzzled into my chest. And I cry. I'm afraid.
I'm scared to leave this baby to go back to work. Am I a bad mom if I choose to continue to teach? My mom stayed home with me. What's wrong with my motherly instincts if I don't stay home? Am I letting my son down?
Am I letting myself down if I stay home? It's a very personal decision that takes reflection.
I've learned, every summer break, Christmas break, spring break... and now maternity leave, that I don't thrive in non-structured, free of routine environments for extended periods of time. A brief vacation is great for me-- According to my reflective approximations, my maximum down-time should be around eleven days. I need these days to get into a slower pace, to quiet my racing tasky thoughts. I enjoy the heck out of my break, happily enveloped in no expectation and sleep and snacking and reading. But more time than that and I feel anxious, I become listless, I don't want to create, my self confidence falls. In essence, I feed off of interaction with people and in environments of learning.
For perspective, I've been on a break from work for over eighty days. Granted, there has been a lot of hard work, no sleep, hardly any reading (you think, oh I'll catch up on my reading while I nurse or when he's asleep... Ha!). And, I'm doing well! The joys of being a new mom have been the salve to my unstructured time.
But, I'm a little lost all the same. Deep down, I know I'm going to be the best version of my self while working in a job outside the home. The guilt is palpable. But, I've been prepared for this moment by the best teacher in letting go of guilt and choosing the harder but better choices for my life.
I choose to be me. I need the interaction with fellow educators, I need the hard work of using love and boundaries and encouragement in the classroom to grow confidence in young men and women, I need to feed the seeds I've sown into my career with reading and conversations and workshops. These needs do not diminish the great mom I am and will continue to be.
One day, Graham and I will have conversations about walking through hard decisions-- I'm sure I will use this exact post to show him that there's still fruit from choices that leave you weepy and afraid. It's about holding on to the things that won't sink-- faith, hope, love. I need all three for this transition.
And so, I kiss the forehead of this little boy and I let go of his little body and place him in his bassinet. I know that letting go of guilt and shame is beautiful. And I think, as a mother, there's a lot more of it to come. I like to think about what to hold on to when I say Graham's middle name, Holden. Let go of "perfect," and hold God's hand. I'm not letting go of being a good mother to Graham by working. I'm holding on to my best self.
What things do you choose to let go of in order to be your best self?
May you have eyes to see the beauty. --Meg Tess
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Adding whimsy to a wedding shower
I was sleep deprived, still self-conscious about my body, feeding the little guy every two hours, and it was HOT. But, I was still able to collect ideas, envision "moments," and with a lot (and I mean a lot) of help and love from my mom and the husby, create a personal whimsical party for my bride-to-be sister.
[Whimsy tip #1] Table styling with dimension-- Create a tablescape with levels by first putting down a white cotton blend table cloth. Then put a sturdy box with a solid bottom upside down on the table at least six inches away from the edge and drape a second tablecloth over the top, smoothing the top surface before adding items.
[Whimsy tip #2] Cocktails served in mason jars-- Use a favorite recipe for a cocktail, triple the recipe and mix it with lots of ice, cut citrus and mint leaves in a large glass drink decanter (found mine at Costco a few years ago). For a party with an accurate attendee list, hand-write names with a fine sharpie in cut, hole-punched card stock and attach with water-resistant ribbon or raffia to the lip of the mason jars. This eliminates shabby plastic cups and helps guests keep track of their concoction if they added more cut fruit to their drink (raspberries, peaches, etc.). Find the jars at a hardware store! They're surprisingly affordable for the hot trend that they are.
[Whimsy tip #3] Plan ahead to make the game interesting-- find a game that puts the focus on the couple, is positive (no cutting anyone down) and makes people laugh-- I particularly like what I call "Raise the Shoe." Prepare a list of absolute statements that include: most, least, first, last, better, worse, etc. about the couple. For example: who said I love you first, who sleeps the most, who has the better style, etc. Then, sit the couple back to back holding one of their own shoes and one of their partner's. Have the guests decide how many they need right to get the prize. The idea is to have them both raise the shoe of the person who fits the description aiming to choose the same answer. If they hold up the shoe of the same person, they get a point. It's fun, keeps people engaged, and the groom gets competitive and feels less weird making an appearance.
[Whimsy tip #4] Think out of the bakery box-- Find a vendor who makes cupcakes actually flavored with real alcohol. And, unless you've got weeks and the patience of Martha Stewart's test cooks, don't try to bake them yourself. I found a local pastry chef who runs a small business out of her home. Support local creatives when at all possible. I was able to choose flavors that went with the cocktail party theme I started with. I had them frosted/decorated with the color scheme (gray and yellow). Labeling the flavors with simple card stock tent cards really helps people from asking multiple times, and people can more easily choose a flavor they prefer. I also used a pinterest photo (see link here: http://pinterest.com/pin/113434484334819232/) to inspire my milk and cookies tray. I ordered plastic small milk jugs and paper straws online, after a quick google search. Add some milk and Salerno butter cookies and this dessert is whimsical and reminiscent of our favorite childhood desserts.
[Bonus tip] Add fun but inexpensive and convenient favors-- Depend on you area grocer! Cakepops are now pre-made at many area grocery store bakery departments. I bought my (delicious) white cake pops with white chocolate frosting for only $1.30 each. Adorn with mini cupcake liners by poking the stick into the center of the liner, pulling it up to cup the pop, and add a tie 1/4 inch satin ribbon to hold it up at the top. It will make them look not perfect and pristine but instead... well, whimsical!
Here's a milk and cookie toast to wedding showers with whimsy!
May you have eyes to see the beauty. --Meg Teas
[Whimsy tip #1] Table styling with dimension-- Create a tablescape with levels by first putting down a white cotton blend table cloth. Then put a sturdy box with a solid bottom upside down on the table at least six inches away from the edge and drape a second tablecloth over the top, smoothing the top surface before adding items.
[Whimsy tip #2] Cocktails served in mason jars-- Use a favorite recipe for a cocktail, triple the recipe and mix it with lots of ice, cut citrus and mint leaves in a large glass drink decanter (found mine at Costco a few years ago). For a party with an accurate attendee list, hand-write names with a fine sharpie in cut, hole-punched card stock and attach with water-resistant ribbon or raffia to the lip of the mason jars. This eliminates shabby plastic cups and helps guests keep track of their concoction if they added more cut fruit to their drink (raspberries, peaches, etc.). Find the jars at a hardware store! They're surprisingly affordable for the hot trend that they are.
[Whimsy tip #3] Plan ahead to make the game interesting-- find a game that puts the focus on the couple, is positive (no cutting anyone down) and makes people laugh-- I particularly like what I call "Raise the Shoe." Prepare a list of absolute statements that include: most, least, first, last, better, worse, etc. about the couple. For example: who said I love you first, who sleeps the most, who has the better style, etc. Then, sit the couple back to back holding one of their own shoes and one of their partner's. Have the guests decide how many they need right to get the prize. The idea is to have them both raise the shoe of the person who fits the description aiming to choose the same answer. If they hold up the shoe of the same person, they get a point. It's fun, keeps people engaged, and the groom gets competitive and feels less weird making an appearance.
[Whimsy tip #4] Think out of the bakery box-- Find a vendor who makes cupcakes actually flavored with real alcohol. And, unless you've got weeks and the patience of Martha Stewart's test cooks, don't try to bake them yourself. I found a local pastry chef who runs a small business out of her home. Support local creatives when at all possible. I was able to choose flavors that went with the cocktail party theme I started with. I had them frosted/decorated with the color scheme (gray and yellow). Labeling the flavors with simple card stock tent cards really helps people from asking multiple times, and people can more easily choose a flavor they prefer. I also used a pinterest photo (see link here: http://pinterest.com/pin/113434484334819232/) to inspire my milk and cookies tray. I ordered plastic small milk jugs and paper straws online, after a quick google search. Add some milk and Salerno butter cookies and this dessert is whimsical and reminiscent of our favorite childhood desserts.
[Bonus tip] Add fun but inexpensive and convenient favors-- Depend on you area grocer! Cakepops are now pre-made at many area grocery store bakery departments. I bought my (delicious) white cake pops with white chocolate frosting for only $1.30 each. Adorn with mini cupcake liners by poking the stick into the center of the liner, pulling it up to cup the pop, and add a tie 1/4 inch satin ribbon to hold it up at the top. It will make them look not perfect and pristine but instead... well, whimsical!
Here's a milk and cookie toast to wedding showers with whimsy!
May you have eyes to see the beauty. --Meg Teas
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